So yeah....

It's be awhile since I've written....I've just been so damn busy. Anywho, decided to join Weight Watchers. It's been successful for so many people and I think that it's a good idea. I've tried it before, but I didn't put any effort into it. I haven't eaten that great this week (actually I've been ok except for last night and today). I figure it's going to take time. Anywho, I'm off to try and do a Carmen Electra DVD cuz it looks like FUN! Yeah, I'm not a stripper or would I ever want to be, but her DVDs look like so much fun. I like dancing. Anywho....I'll let you know how it goes!

On a more personal note, I like a boy....I can't help it. He's so freakin adorable and I just want to squish his damn face off. Problem is....I suck and I won't do anything about it. I'd rather worship from afar and just imagine about it when I go to sleep at night...and I don't even mean that in a naughty way....well, maybe a teeny bit.....

We'll see how it goes.

First Week Update

So, nothing new to report this week. I haven't started any weight loss plans...if anything, I've gotten worse with my diet. I didn't do any exercise....and I've been feeling pretty burnt out lately. Even though it seems like the spirits are shining down upon me lately (review week was a tremendous success)...I can't help but feel that my present situation is the MOTHER of all oxymorons. I don't know if it's depression, or a deep seeding worry of not having anything to worry about. I am almost terrified to lose weight because it's the ONLY thing in my life that I hate. Once the weight is off, I won't have an excuse for my life's shortcomings anymore. I won't have that "whipping boy" that my weight provides. My weight has always been the tried and true reason for everything....without that cushion (literally), I feel like I'll be so exposed to my own inadequacies. This can't be a healthy way to live, mentally, at least. How can you want something so desperately...yet not want it at the same time? How does this make sense? Well, I guess my consistency in life is that I don't make sense. I think that my deep need to be accepted by others (which I WISH with everything in my heart that I could just get over) is perpetuated by my weight. If people don't like me, it has to be the weight. Without the weight, it's a character flaw and I know that having that kind of reason would devastate me. I wonder if this kind of neediness declines as your waistline gets smaller. God I hope so. Well, my goal has been moved up to October 14th because I'm going on a business trip to Ohio for 2 days and I really don't want to have to use an extender. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and make my life happen, starting today. God I'm tired..... :-)

Happy Sex and the City Weekend!

So I hope everyone who reads this (probably nobody, but oh well!) went out and paid homage to the world's four favorite girls! I just love this show and the movie didn't disappoint. I actually went out with my mom and it was aLOT of fun. It's amazing how well you get along with someone in your family once you're not living with them anymore. I always used to think that my stepmom was just another evil bitch....but as I grew older and removed the perpetual stick in my ass left over from my teen years, I really came to appreciate my stepmom. She's awesome and I adore her. She's a real woman....someone who I can only hope to become more like if I ever take the plunge and procreate.

Anyway, back to my weight. I weighed in today because I figure that I can count today as my first day toward a better life. I have a tiny bit over six months until my Florida vacation (181 days to be exact) and my big goal has been decided: I want to be able to get on an airplane and use the seat belt provided WITHOUT an extender. It seems like such a ridiculous thing....unless you've been in the moment where you have to ask the C U Next Tuesday of a stewardess for a seat belt extender and she looks at you as if you have taken a dump in the aisle in the plane and are getting ready to eat it. Ok, I know...that was pretty gross and graphic...but anyone who's been in this situation would agree with me that that's pretty accurate. I also don't want to have to go to the Disney World resort and plan out my trip according to what rides I can and can't fit in. That sucks ass as it is right now. My official weight as of today is 362 or as I call it...H O L Y S H I T! It hurts like a motherfer.....but it's ok. It's going to go down and that is that! I had oreos last night.....I've really got to throw those sadistic bitches out pronto!

This is me now

Ever seen the movie Network? The part where the main dude starts losing his mind and starts going "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"? That's where I am right now. I am 26 years old and over 350 pounds....and I don't know how I got here. Oh sure, I know how....but why? Why did I get here? It seems that just yesterday I was wearing everything in my closet and now my options are limited to "kinda fits", "sausage fest", "circus tents" and "muumuus". Again, how the HELL did I get here? I', so disgusted with myself. I thought that I was happy with myself...I can live with being big; I have great friends & a great job so who cares....blah blah blah. But today, it hit me. I was straightening up the living room and bent over, and about killed myself. Between the rush of blood to my head and the shortness of breath, I could barely pick up the stuff off the floor! 26 YEAR OLDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THIS!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???? I'll tell you how. 30-45% of my income goes to food, and we're not even talking groceries. I'm talking fast food, eating at restaurants, ordering in....45% of my income. I could have bought a car AND put a down payment on a house by now, especially with the conditions the housing market is in right. Oh yeah...I bought a house...I'M THE HOUSE!!!! I'm done with this. I want to be able to breathe! I want to be able to play tennis and racquetball with my sister and not have to fake an injury because I simply can't stop panting and I feel like my ass is going to light on fire from the amount of rubbing together that my thighs are doing. I want to feel good and LOOK good.I want to shop at places like Charlotte Rousse and Forever 21 because stuff there is DIRT CHEAP! IT'S EXPENSIVE TO BE THIS FAT!! I want to go out and dance and shake my ass without knocking out the people behind me with my current ass! I want my life back. And I want to fall hopelessly in love and have children. That's all I want in life....and I can't do it now with the way things are. We I have to change and it has to happen now. No more oreos.