First Week Update

So, nothing new to report this week. I haven't started any weight loss plans...if anything, I've gotten worse with my diet. I didn't do any exercise....and I've been feeling pretty burnt out lately. Even though it seems like the spirits are shining down upon me lately (review week was a tremendous success)...I can't help but feel that my present situation is the MOTHER of all oxymorons. I don't know if it's depression, or a deep seeding worry of not having anything to worry about. I am almost terrified to lose weight because it's the ONLY thing in my life that I hate. Once the weight is off, I won't have an excuse for my life's shortcomings anymore. I won't have that "whipping boy" that my weight provides. My weight has always been the tried and true reason for everything....without that cushion (literally), I feel like I'll be so exposed to my own inadequacies. This can't be a healthy way to live, mentally, at least. How can you want something so desperately...yet not want it at the same time? How does this make sense? Well, I guess my consistency in life is that I don't make sense. I think that my deep need to be accepted by others (which I WISH with everything in my heart that I could just get over) is perpetuated by my weight. If people don't like me, it has to be the weight. Without the weight, it's a character flaw and I know that having that kind of reason would devastate me. I wonder if this kind of neediness declines as your waistline gets smaller. God I hope so. Well, my goal has been moved up to October 14th because I'm going on a business trip to Ohio for 2 days and I really don't want to have to use an extender. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and make my life happen, starting today. God I'm tired..... :-)